Raising Athletes for Life: Focus on Life Skills
As parents, it is natural to want to see our children succeed. We cheer for them, we encourage them and do everything we can to give them opportunities to pursue and achieve their dreams.
So, when our kids get disappointed, frustrated, or struggle in some way, our natural response is to step in and make things better. But consider, what if doing this causes more harm than good?
What if these hard moments are exactly what our kids need to gain the life skills they need for the rest of their life? And, what if making things better or easier for them trains our kids to be weak?
Sport provides an incredible training ground for life
My favorite part of being a sports psychotherapist is using an athlete’s sport to teach life lessons. It is coaching the intangible skills required for life—to achieve, to improve, or to earn a spot on a team. Athletes discover how to handle disappointment, take responsibility, communicate through conflict, discipline their time, and keep going when progress is slow.
The question for you as parents is this: Am I allowing my athletes to experience the challenges that help develop those necessary life skills?
Let them feel disappointed and embarrassed
Your athlete loses a championship game. They do not make varsity. They do not make the team. It is crushing.
They work hard for a test and still receive a disappointing grade.
They are hurt because teammates gathered without inviting them. Your child sees the social media posts of them having fun without participating.
These experiences are painful—for your child and for you.
As a parent, it can be tempting to minimize the disappointment, blame someone else, or quickly find a way to make your athlete feel better. Instead, start by acknowledging the emotion: “I know how much this mattered to you. It makes sense you are disappointed.”
Then give them space to process it and help them to manage it, but resist ‘fixing’ it. Once they are ready, ask, “What can you learn from this?” or “What would help you move forward?” or “What can you do different so this doesn’t happen again?”
Learning to experience disappointment without being defined by it is a life skill that will serve them long after their playing days are over.
Allow them to battle with self
When an athlete tries a new skill, there is an uncomfortable period when they are not very good at it. The same is true when they begin a difficult class, learn to drive, or take on a new responsibility.
Struggle can impact a young person’s thoughts and emotions. This is normal. Allow this battle and assist them to respect the struggle. Do not intervene. Learning a sport or a life skill requires practice, repetition, patience, and the willingness to be uncomfortable.
Encourage your athlete to honor the struggle. Help them see the difficulty is often part of growth, not proof they are incapable.
Life skills questions to ask to get them thinking:
- “What have you tried so far?”
- “What part can you work on today?”
- “Who could help you learn the next step?”
- “What kind of praise did you hear from the coach, what should you keep doing?”
Seeking help is a strength. The goal is to help athletes participate in solving their own problems rather than expecting someone else to solve things for them.
Let consequences become teachers
Did your athlete forget their homework? Leave their water bottle at home? Spend their allowance immediately and discover they have nothing left?
When the consequences are safe and appropriate for their age, allow them to experience the result. A parent who repeatedly rushes a forgotten item to school or practice may solve today’s problem, but the athlete misses a life skills opportunity to develop a system on their own for tomorrow.
Let them suffer! Then afterward, get curious: “What can you do differently next time?”
Perhaps they pack their gear the night before, set an alarm, or create a checklist. The lesson is not simply “You messed up.” It is “You can learn to manage your responsibilities.”
Coach them through difficult conversations
Athletes will encounter conflict with teammates, coaches, teachers, and friends. These situations can be uncomfortable, but they offer opportunities to practice courage, respect, and constructive communication skills.
If your athlete is confused about playing time, help them prepare to speak with their coach: “What can I improve to contribute more to the team?”
If they hurt a teammate, guide them in offering an apology: “I was wrong. I understand how that affected you in a negative way, and I am sorry.”
You can help them rehearse and decide when and what to say. Stay involved and step in when a situation involves bullying, mistreatment, or safety concerns. But your support gives them a foundation as they learn the life skill to speak for themselves.
Give them responsibilities beyond sport
Being an athlete does not exempt a child from being a contributing member of the family and household. Chores, helping with family needs, managing a schedule, and working a part-time job when appropriate can teach accountability and consideration for others.
These responsibilities also remind athletes their identity extends beyond performance. They are teammates at home, too. In fact, my ‘chore chart’ was called ‘team work’ when my kids lived at home.
Start with expectations fitting your child’s age and schedule. Then allow them to follow through without constant reminders. When they fail, provide necessary consequences or discipline to help them learn these life skills.
Be their support, not their life-preserver
Allowing your athlete to do hard things does not mean leaving them alone. It means staying close enough to support them while giving them room to learn, fail, and get back up.
The next time your athlete faces a challenge, pause before stepping in. Listen. Encourage. Ask a few questions but do not lecture. Help them consider options. Think through the possible life skills you can assist them to practice in the challenge.
Every difficult moment does not produce an immediate life lesson. But over time, your athlete can begin to believe, “I can handle hard things. I can ask for help. And I can grow through this.”
This is victory lasting beyond the scoreboard. This is the true definition of success.
Anne ‘Kip’ Rodgers, MA, LPC-S, CHPC
Mental Performance Coaching & Training
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